| Long time, No LJ |
[Jun. 5th, 2009|10:36 pm] |
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I can't even get myself motivated to write on here anymore. WTF, mate? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2007|09:23 am] |
| [ | music |
| | "Elizabeth, You Were Born to Play That Part" Ryan Adams | ] |
Wherever you are, I hope you're happy now.
I'm caught in a dream and I can't get out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|03:28 pm] |
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I've come to a really dark place in my life right now. I don't know how or when I'm going to get out. |
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| One of the select few 80's songs I actually LOVE |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|01:08 am] |
I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her fingertips
It burned like fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for
I believe in the kingdom come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well yes Im still running
You broke the bonds and you
Loosed the chains
Carried the cross
Of my shame
Of my shame
You know I believed it
But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for
But I still havent found what Im looking for... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|12:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
what a fun, crazy, fucked-up night |
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| Hot damn! |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|01:17 am] |
Sorry for worrying some of you lately, if you were. I've just been having the blues somewhat lately, the details of which no one wants to read, and which I'd rather not divulge.
Waiting tables is really starting to grow on me. Tonight I made $149.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were absurdly busy for a Tuesday night, and then we had a bunch of big parties (I had a 13-top--so I got 17% gratuity off their check). Also, a 3-top gave me a $12 tip. Saturday night I got a $20 tip off a 5-top, $13 off a 2-top, and $10 off something else. I also had a 7-top tonight, in which Kofi Martin was a member. I'm also excited that tomorrow I have actual hours at AE, can cash my Ruby's check, and who knows (no waiting tables tomorrow). Angela & her dad came into Ruby's Friday night, & it made me happy. Come on Jonesboro, cough up.
Hope you are all having fun, and doing ok. I miss you.
Amore
Amour
Liebe |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|03:11 am] |
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Staying up late the way I do is not good for your health. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|01:13 pm] |
i think i'm dying
and i don't care |
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| Pondering |
[Jun. 1st, 2006|04:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
Last night I had this dream in which I got a tattoo on my back, but when I looked at it, it wasn't what I wanted. In fact, I ended up with two, one was a really weird looking tree and the other was a snake, and both were wreathed in flames. ?? It didn't look scary or weird, but I don't understand why I had these. Anyway, I also had to go to work because it was Christmas season and really busy, but outside it was really warm, and people were swimming in a pool.
My mind is weird.
Look who's decided to step back in my life, for now anyway.
Case says:
hello
candice says:
hi
Case says:
I was thinking that I have been mean to you, so I added you as a friend to show that I am not a hard core ass
candice says:
haha. ok. thanks. i appreciate it. i never really thought you were
Case says:
come on.... I was an ass to you
candice says:
yeah. it's ok. i was mean to you, too. so i felt like i deserved it. especially lately, i can empathize quite a bit. soo
candice says:
it's fine
candice says:
actually when i got that yesterday i was feeling really, really crappy. so you made my day, without even knowing it
Case says:
im glad that I could help
candice says:
yep. you did
candice says:
how goes it, in the world of case? like being 21?
Case says:
I cant realy say.... It feels the same only I can get beer
Case says:
I always waited for this and now I just want to go back in time
candice says:
to when
candice says:
is that a bad question? i'm sorry
Case says:
back to a time when things were easy.... when I did not have to take care of my mother. when going to higher education was just something to do later. when I could spend money on others, not a cell phone bill. and number one... when gas was under $1 a gallon.
candice says:
amen
candice says:
i miss those days, too.
candice says:
is anything in life ever simple
.................Case says:
this is the first time, that i remember, that you made a notice that I am grown now..
Case says:
it is dorky but we have not realy been good friends as of late
candice says:
i'm grown up, too. you'd be amazed.
......................
candice says:
we haven't been friends, and it's made me sad. but lately, i've understood that, and had a a lot of respect for it. i've always respected you. it hurt to feel you hate me so bad, but i know why now. so i hold nothing against you.
Case says:
when all that happened it was a bad time of my life. I wish i could have done so many things another way
Case says:
sooooo many.
candice says:
yeah. it's ok. you're human
candice says:
we were young, we're still young. it's funny that we've known each other five years now. can you believe that?? think of how we were five years ago
candice says:
sooo different
There's a lot more, but you get the point.
My life is monotonous right now, but weird. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2006|10:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hungover | ] |
There are the ones you want that you can't have.
There are the ones who want you to whom you cannot give yourself. |
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| Yippee!! |
[May. 28th, 2006|12:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
Tonight I made $78.00!!
Worked both jobs today (13 hours total).
Had a good dream this morning between the hours of 6-8:30.
Fin. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2006|09:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  rage | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "where is everybody" nine inch nails | ] |
God
Fucking
Dammit
For the third or fourth week in a row now, I am completely unscheduled at American Eagle in Jonesboro. This is getting refuckingdiculous. There's a piece of paper with my name on it that's the parody of a schedule, but for every time slot it says, "Unscheduled" the whole way down. This is pissing me off to an extent you would not believe; the first couple weeks of this understatededly frustrating inefficiency were forgivable thanks to the manager transition & the delay in getting my file up here; this time it's not. If it's some ploy to get me to quit, then I am further angered, because I am a damned good employee wherever I work, even if it's a job I hate; and if you're sitting there wondering why I don't quit, it's because I like this job, at least, I did in Little Rock where this type of bullshit did not occur. Right now I am financially poorer than I was three weeks ago, & while this is partially attributable to the fact that I've been spending what money I've gotten on some clothes & stuff (some of which has also been for workclothes at Ruby Tuesday's) like a personal road trip, all of you have been immersed in ennui enough to empathize with me for needing to get away. Furthermore, I SHOULD be getting hours up there, because I've filled out my availability on three separate occassions for three separate managers.
Right now I may as well pack my car, go back to Conway, & beg someone there to let me scrape what I can & live with them until the end of July, when I can get into my own apartment. At this rate I'm never going to be ahead enough to be at ease about the $460/month that I'll have to pay for rent + car. My parents don't pay for all this shit like yours do (although they could), & while I don't blame you for it, you can perhaps understand why I am under a considerable amount of stress here. Which is really fucking ironic, considering I have literally done NOTHING workwise, with the exception of my waitress training & the one shift I've worked at AE & RT, respectively. And God knows, I am really wasted on irony.
Better yet, I ought to call my dad, transfer to the Corpus Christi AE (which would basically be a commute like the Conway-Little Rock one), work at the Beach Lodge at night, & get the hell out of this shithole, increasingly conformist, rigidly conservative place I regrettably know as my hometown. In Port Aransas at least I could be on the beach, tan, drunk, & skinnier (I'm getting fat with all this apathy--in case you didn't know, there is nothing hotter than the Delta of Arkansas, nor more infested with mosquitoes), because neither my dad nor I are big eaters, & God knows he can barely afford food anyway. Beer is his breakfast. Hell, I could just go down there & become a raging bipolar alcoholic just like my dear ole dad, it's not as if I haven't exhibited the symptoms of one of those before (hello last half of this past semester). Oh wait, if I go down there I'll have just wasted $10.80 on these Godforsaken retainers I had to put in my cartilage piercings thanks to RT's dress code. I honestly don't give a damn. I hate this place, I hate everything right now. My heart hurts so bad sometimes & the moments it doesn't I'm just so numb I can't feel a goddammed thing. I'm tired of this cycle of hope/cynicism/bitterness/recovery, this constant up & down, & don't you fucking dare tell me to go see a shrink, I'm a Psychology major & I am well aware of this. Furthermore, don't term me with the label "Psychotic" because psychosis is a break with reality, & I am experiencing neither delusions nor hallucinations of any sort. I am, however, in the midst of some bad fucking neurosis.
I look & feel like absolute shit, & consequently avoid mirrors or anything that projects another plastic, commercialized ideal of some overthin, heroin-chic Valkyrie hangover from the mid-90's.
Now I suppose the suitable outlet for my fervor would be an attempt at the only idea I've gotten for my Honors thesis. I'm highly doubtful anyone bothered to read my shitty little bitch, of which there must be an endless string since March. |
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| I feel gross |
[May. 24th, 2006|02:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | weird | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "mr. brightside" the killers | ] |
South Arkansas
--Getting from here to there in 3.5 hours (hauling balls)
--"Is it a tall bridge?" (Laurie asking me this in the dead of night)
--Laurie's dad's cooking
--Hanging out with Laurie, Libby, Corey & Daniel
--Poison Springs; getting stuck in the mud & a supposed T-Rex
--Playing Taboo & drinking merlot
--Tour narrarated by Daniel of Camden, Smackover, El Dorado, Parker's Chapel, & everything in between
--Rialto
--Hot boy + Hot car + listening to Zeppelin in a race to downtown El Dorado (mmmmmmmmm)
--Watching Munich, seeing some of my favorite places, understanding random French & German phrases
I simultaneously love & hate crushing. I think I need to try hard to not try so hard. Oh sweet paradox. |
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| Heute |
[May. 20th, 2006|07:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | groggy | ] |
AE finally got it together somewhat & I'm getting some hours today at the mall!!! You cannot possibly understand how excited I am about this, because I was planning to work a double at RT's, but would much prefer to spend some hours in the store. Where at least I can look cute and still know what I'm doing. I'm still working my night shift at RT's...at last, both jobs are on track.
I didn't get home until about one this morning. I made $44. That kind of sucks. I need more!! But I didn't get a lot of tables.
Waitressing is f'in crazy dude.
Also oh so glad because tomorrow I'm going to Camden & El Dorado to see Laurie & Daniel. This makes me so happy. Leaving town, seeing people who kick ass. I can't wait to see either of you.
The farther I can get from Jonesboro, the better.
I went to bed at nearly 3. I woke up at 7:30.
Ok. Byebye. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 17th, 2006|04:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
I wish I had known. |
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| Ich denke |
[May. 15th, 2006|03:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ennui | ] |
Es ist langweilig hier.
Sehr, sehr langweilig.
Du kannst nicht verstehen. |
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| You know that movie... |
[May. 13th, 2006|03:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Waiting? It's dead-on.
Last night began my training at RT's. I was only there for 3 hours, but those 3 were absolutely bonkers. First of all, it's overwhelming, being the liaison between the people who cook the food & the people who eat it. It adds a whole new dimension to reading people that I haven't experienced with all the retail work I've done (so I suppose this will give me an edge as a psychologist--woooo!). In my 3 hours I saw Katey Cravens (didn't get to say hi to her, though), Dr. Young (my optometrist--also Ryan Young's uncle), & some guy out with his family that knew me but I was clueless about him. One of the waiters either has too much testosterone or really thinks I'm cute because he flirts nonstop (not many girls work there). There's a Mexican guy named Daniel (my preference is for the Scottish type) who cooks & calls me "sweetheart," a guy named Curtis who looks like Jeff (LP) Partee (but not as creepy), a guy who looks kind of like Tyler McKinney (exact same hair), & a variety of other characters.
I really can't wait to be back in Conway.
Today after I did some yard work for my grandparents I sat & had a chat with my grandmother. I love & respect her with every iota of my being, so hearing her advice & wisdom on a lot of the issues that have been on my heart lately was really nice. Time is still needed before I can take the sutures out of this stitched-up mess, but I just have to remind myself how much better-off I really am.
You couldn't see the smile on my face, but I hope you could hear it through the phone.
Can't wait for school to start. I'll be tan, trim & tenacious. Look out straight male population of UCA, you won't know what hit you! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 12th, 2006|11:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
I had an awful dream once I fell back asleep this morning.
God I'm so sick of this crap, I wish I could just cut my heart out (figuratively--ok, maybe literally, too) & let it bleed on the floor so I wouldn't have to feel a Godforsaken thing anymore. |
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| wtf |
[May. 12th, 2006|05:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | groggy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | damien rice "volcano" | ] |
OK, the time is currently 5:20 a.m. I went to sleep around 1 a.m. I think. And I'm awake again, probably have been since 4:50.
Nervous about waiting tables. Just because I've never done it, so I keep thinking what if I screw up? I need money so bad. Wish my mom would help me out a little bit here, they've bought a ton of new shit. And the house is getting refloored/painted. I mean, geez, help a girl out. Can't wait til I work those 15 & 16 hour days at both places.
Think both of my cartilages are infected. Insert a big FUCK here, because it hurts.
Miss the apartment, even though I wasn't there very much. Ever. It was still home, still the place I went back to at the end of everything. I also miss the hell out of everyone.
{Immense sigh of frustration about many, many things} |
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freshstarice's journal
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